Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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