just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
