Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
