the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize