My sheets look like a crime scene.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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