I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
