"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
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I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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