apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
