she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
