I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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