Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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