Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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