stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
