I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
