oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
