God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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