Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
