walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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