Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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