I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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