fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
