I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
