my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
