This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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