you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
