Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
