i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
