Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
