Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
