Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
