OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
