Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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