I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
