Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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