Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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