I think I am morally bankrupt
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
