i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
