so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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