i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
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