There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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