I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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