You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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