turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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