i can't believe i had my finger in that
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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