Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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