My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
