Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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