I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
