i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
