You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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