I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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