this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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