i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
