Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
