my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Randomize
