So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
