I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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